October, 2005


It has been a long time since I have chosen to write.  I’m not entirely sure why that is.  Sometimes I see online, these people, that are capable of constructing wholes sentences and paragraphs together on a far more regular basis and am left in a mixture of amusement and awe.  Awe because I admire them for being able to express so much.  Amusement because I just cant believe they have so much to say.  No- thats the wrong word…sounds a bit condescending…as if they shouldnt have so much to say.  No I guess it’s still mostly just awe, but only amusement because I find it tough to relate because I’m so used to squashing my ideas and thoughts long before they run their way down to my pen…err, keyboard.

I feel like I havent had that much to say in a while…or at least enough to warrant an entry.  But I was thinking recently about definition.  Or more specifically, how we choose to define ourselves.  It is well enough understood, that we choose to define ourselves by certain things – our hobbies, our jobs, and the people around us.  Superficially, there are several more such things.  This is not to say our jobs or our hobbies, or the people around us only contribute to us superficially.  I only mean that they come fully equipped with titles and words that we come to be associated with, on a superficial level.  Meaningfully, they can translate into much more.  But irrespective of what it is that defines us, I think meaningfully, we are defined by passion, commitment, and love – feeling strongly about something, sticking to it, and ultimately loving it.  This applies to anything- our work, our art, our loved ones, and our beliefs and values.

What drives us to cling to the things that we feel ultimately define us?  For some, it is the same set of parameters we have always felt connected to.  Some of us have maybe known for a long time what we want out of life.  For other it is a bit more confusing…or at least challenging.  I feel more and more certain that I fall into the category of the latter.  There is an accompanying aimlessness in almost everything I do!  The danger here is that there is a “search” which accompanies this aimlessness that can often be a trap- a vicious circle of asking questions and getting momentarily satisfying answers.

But in the end, I think it is an innate compulsion- that need to define ourselves.  But in order to feel that definition of self, we must first look to our knowledge of self. Those who have knowledge of the world around them becomes wise and learned, but those we have knowledge of themselves become truly complete.  I think one of the biggest challenges we face growing up in the Western world is just this.  It seems that although we are blessed with the opportunity to Be who we want to Be, we often have no clue as to Who we Are.  We instead, rely on defining ourselves by something…or by someone…or even somewhere.  In what we do and who we are around, we become temporarily comfortable with who we think we are.  We often lose definition through simply experiencing less of what we truly enjoy, who we truly enjoy being around, or being where we truly belong.  We lose the person we want to be with or lack the  progress of work we so desire, or transport ourselves to a foreign place, and we become shadows of our former selves.  But the truth is that by living outside the boundaries of those three parameters…by allowing ourselves to wander past those boundaries of comfort…we discover considerably more about ourselves than we ever knew.